The whooping and hollering in England over Luis Suarez has been as exhilarating as it has been tedious.
Yesterday a former member of HM Government was found guilty for conspiracy to hack phones. You may remember phone-hacking from such episodes as 'giving false hope to parents of a murdered schoolgirl'.
For weeks the media have had us believe that the Middle East is about to implode and thousands of 'terrorists' are going to arrive back in Britain intent on 'doing the terror'.
England, a country you may have heard of, have a football team that put in one of their most miserable tournament performances since they, erm, qualified for tournaments.
But none of this matters because Luis Suarez allegedly* bit an Italian footballer on the shoulder.
So we've had a day of back-pages with shit puns, boring infographics, reactionary partisan phone-ins and even a 'colour-corrected' (cough) picture in the Daily Mirror to exacerbate the 'bite'.
By tomorrow I'm expecting video of Chiellini's heart-broken grandmother, a test result that indicates he has contracted Ebola and probably the wife of Luis Suarez to have had her phone hacked. The likes of Sky and Granada have spent the day outside of Anfield - wasting their time, money and over-used cliches pointing a camera at a stadium many thousands of miles away from where Luis Suarez actually is. Not even in the same hemisphere.
Whilst listening to BBC Radio 5 Live earlier today I heard a grown adult woman rant that 'Suarez was behaving like a 5 year old child and should be punished heavily'. Fair enough. Can't argue with that.
When asked what she would do with a 5 year old child that had bitten her she matter-of-fact responded 'I'd bite them back.'
The great British public - the judges of the judged. But enough of that potential child abuser and back to Suarez:-
I don't know why Suarez didn't just give Chiellini an elbow smash, instantaneously breaking his nose and causing him to lose a pint of blood out of his actual face. There would have been much less to write about. (8 game ban, World Cup 1994).
So let's just put this overblown sinister episode in to some cold hard logic.
Luis Suarez shouldn't bite people. It isn't nice, it isn't pleasant.
If FIFA decide he did then he should be banned for an appropriate number of matches from international football.
If he did it he should apologise.
If he did it he probably should refrain from doing it again - get some counselling, become a vegetarian, deal with the issues he clearly has.
It isn't a good example to set to 'the children' - just like headbutting, elbowing, swearing, spitting, scratching, breaking somebody's leg, kneeing somebody in the head, cheating, diving, corruption, drug use, sleeping with family members and all the other things that happen in football - some of which the media also like to expose to young adults via wall to wall coverage.
The likelihood before all of this, in my opinion, was that Suarez was a good 75% likely to leave Liverpool this summer anyway. How this will affect matters remains unclear, but there isn't a team in the world who wouldn't have Luis Suarez - no matter how much some partisan support may deny it - in their hearts they know he is the kind of player who is worth the hassle.
Liverpool and Suarez have benefitted mutually from their relationship. He has helped propel the club back into the Champions League and despite his flaws as a man (a regular theme amongst talented footballers in particular) he will remain one of the greatest footballers not only at Liverpool but to have played in England.
If he goes tomorrow I will wish him well and say thanks for the memories, before thinking about who the English press will have to sell newspapers in the future? If he stays for another season I'll think about all the mad times that will lay ahead - will he develop testicle-twisting or go for the traditional elbow?
Our overriding concern at the moment is that if Suarez did go - could I trust Liverpool not to buy 6 Luis Albertos?
Enjoy the rest of the World Cup - if ITV and the BBC let you.
Hodgson eh? Brilliant.